I saw a shrink last night, or at least my alter-ego's, Booth and Brennan, did. It's a very curious thing how I feel so connected to two characters who obviously have no commonalities. This episode was just after Brennan let her boyfriend leave on a sailboat to the Caribbean. Booth and Brennan were fighting like cats and dogs and so Booth suggested they see his (FBI appointed) shrink. The shrink deduced that both of them felt guilty about it because they thought she stayed behind because of Booth. The shrink said...she didn't. HA!

I don't know if that makes sense...maybe you should watch this episode. And check out the one before it too, so you can have a general picture.

Anywho...I can definitely feel the sexual tension between them. It seems to me that they are attracted to each other because of their polar-opposite views of, well, EVERYTHING.

Isn't it always the case that the grass seems so much more green on the other side? When we're looking from the outside-in, we don't see the weeds or the fire ants or the countless hours of maintenance that goes into that impeccable, golf-course-esque yard. NOPE! All we see are shade trees for napping under and sunny places for frolicking in!

I guess I'm at the point where having a career seems very provocative. But the big "mommy-heart" within me is feeling dreadfully guilty at the thought of hiring a Nanny for the summer. I feel greedy, selfish, materialistic and cold.

But then if I look at it from another point-of-view, I feel like the sacrifices I make now will benefit us in the long run because we will be able to provide more opportunities for the boys. We'll be able to show them what a stable home-life is like and nurture them without the worry of financial crap crashing in around us. I mean, no one wants to be buried in debt! We all WANT to do well for our children and show them how easy it is to be successful.

But at what cost?

There is always a cost. Brennan perhaps lost the only man that was going to accept her as her robotic, socially awkward self. And Booth, well I don't know what the cost is going to be for him. Perhaps his sanity.

I could get much deeper into this, I'm sure. But I need to prepare for Wubulous-Wednesday and, of course, watch some Bones before I go to bed.

Balance (illusive bastard!) or Bust!

Okay, my analytical mind has either become absurdly more acute - OR - my mind is turning to sludge from watching too much Bones and I just think I'm getting smarter.

Who's to tell for sure? But here's one thing I do know. Today compared to yesterday was WAY better.

I mean, I didn't get a single sale (not yet), I must have visited 12 businesses and called two others, my sales contracts didn't get delivered and I missed my first appointment and didn't call to get another one. ("So exactly HOW could today possibly be better than yesterday," you ask.)


Because I had a great day with the kids! 

It's simply amazing how at one moment I'm pissed off because I can only spend a few short hours of the day making money and have to spend the rest of the day watching three annoying little kids, and the next moment I'm blissful and feeling all warm and fuzzy because we all had such a great afternoon playing outside with the neighbors.

It makes me question my priorities. I mean, it seems like a funny thing to wonder where family and career stand. Because in my point of view, I need a job to support my family, but I wouldn't need a job if I didn't have a family.

Now don't get me wrong, Tony has been an EXCELLENT provider these last two and a half years. But if we're really going to fulfill our dreams, I need to contribute too.
So here's how I think I made today better: although work was slightly disappointing, I got to do some window shopping and network with some great people. I remembered yesterday's blog post and tried to focus on my kids rather than multi-task. 

And that was HUGE.

So I guess I've found one new habit, one that will be difficult to form, but worth while. Instead of multi-tasking I am going to devote 100% of my attention to the things that I am doing, when I am doing them.

Work = 100% Work
Kids = 100% Kids
Tony = 100% Tony
Friends = 100% Friends
Housework = 100% Housework (did I just say that?)

That's it. And since I know it takes a full 28 days to implement and cement a habit, I'm going to make a conscious effort to focus intently on what I am doing, when I am doing it.

I think I'm getting closer to Balance! (or teetering so close to Bust I can't see the edge!)

I'd have to say that I'm generally NOT an easily addicted person...but I've found that shopping is an addiction. So is the television show Bones. And, to be grossly honest, during the Christmas season, I was quite addicted to Coquito. (If you have never tried it, be very, VERY careful...it is decadent, loaded with rum and goes down smooth!)

In my past (pre-Mommy) life, I was not addicted to anything. I greatly enjoyed a lot of things like surfing, running, weight-lifting...kicking the guys' asses that couldn't keep up with me on company runs!!! OORAH!

*ahem*

I enjoyed motorcycle riding, road trips...you know, lots of stuff that I will not do again until my three sons are teenagers or moved out! (At least there is hope!)

Which got me to thinking: why am I so addicted to shopping and Bones? Well, the obvious reason for any shopping addiction is the instant gratification one gets from snagging an on-trend pair of pumps or a stunning new blouse that SCREAMS LOVE ME, TAKE ME HOME! Bagging a beautiful, one-of-a-kind piece of jewelry is an absolutely orgasmic experience and getting a great deal on a wardrobe staple...like the AWESOME black trench I got ($350 price tag - snagged it for $30.) Heaven? Well, for me, that's as close as it comes!

As for my addiction to Bones, I guess it's because the main characters are sort of versions of me...I'm like Dr. Brennan (but shy a few IQ points) in that I am pretty fairly independent, value intelligent conversation and can sometimes be a bit cold. (True confession, don't judge.) I'm like Booth (without the penis and mucho HOT, rippling muscles) in that I'm a people person and totally enjoy connecting and having an emotional response to every moment I experience. 

The polarity between the characters is dramatic...yet you can see through watching the series that they compliment each other perfectly. Maybe this whole mommy vs me thing is just another dramatic polarity thing. Opposites attract or whatever...

Anyway, here's to finding Balance...or Bust!