You know, balance has been an illusive critter. Let's think of the Great White Stag for a moment. If you've never read this book, I recommend it. I sat down at the book store the other day reading it and it was beautiful. 

Usually I'm the type of girl to buy a box of hair color and have a girlfriend over to chat, drink wine and apply the potion to my head. (Maybe we should drink wine AFTER the potion is applied?) But I've opted to have a professional color my hair tomorrow. Why? Because she gave me a coupon for a free cut & style with any chemical service.

But I've realized that it has been nearly a month since I've seen my two best friends. We used to get together once a week to exercise. But then one of them went out of town, then the other one went out of town as soon as she got back and then when they were both home I went and got a full-time job! So....needless to say, we've sort of lost touch.

So how am I supposed to gain balance in my life if I don't have any girlfriends to vent to? How am I supposed to keep my body in shape and keep my sanity if I don't exercise?


Well, I started reading. My dear friend from California sent me a gift card so I purchased several books with it. The latest I've read is by James Patterson, Sundays at Tiffany's. It was absolutely brilliant. I laughed. I cried. I was shocked at the end. It was wonderful and I would LOVE to star in the movie version!

So, what I would like to do is give away a few of these "escape from reality" gems to the ladies who read this blog! Here's how it will work:
1. Tell me what you do to find a little bit of balance in your life.
2. Tell me who you admire and wish to be more like...and why. (It can be anyone.)
3. Share my blog with one person - have them leave me a comment.

That's it! I'll give a book away to the first five people who respond!

In the end...it's balance or bust!

“What I dream of is an art of balance, of purity and serenity devoid of troubling or depressing subject matter - a soothing, calming influence on the mind, rather like a good armchair which provides relaxation from physical fatigue.”

Henri Matisse

I guess I should tell you that my whole reason behind getting a job was not to get away from the kids, although it has turned out to be a blessing in that department (I'll explain better in a moment.)

My ultimate goal in getting a sales job, was to put all my money aside to put a sizable down-payment on a home.

While working, I venture into some truly spectacular boutiques, jewelry stores and high-end, big-ticket stores. Today, I took my twins to the puppy store: mostly so they could play & so Leo could get over his fear of puppies and partly to see what was available as a playmate for our current dog, Blue. Well, wouldn't you know it, a beautiful red, freckled Cocker Spaniel was there. We played for 30 minutes with her. My heart broke as I walked out the door, knowing full-well that there was NO WAY my husband would let me spend $799 for a dog. Duh, we prefer pound-puppies anyway - don't we?


I also had to walk away from a stunning piece of hand-made jewelry. (As seen here.) The story behind this piece is remarkable..."truly an investment," I tell myself as I walk away, promising the shop owner I would be in tomorrow. Ergh.

Now, if any of you keep up with the weather, you'll know that way back in September, the metro & surrounding areas of Atlanta, Georgia were subjected to heavy, disastrous flooding. Our entire world floated away with the river...yup, and all my clothes too. So, needless to say, I'm without adequate summer clothes! So, I walk into several trendy clothing stores and nearly pass out when I walk out! 


Now, among all those stresses I must say that I come home much more eager to greet my children. I feel more in love with them after having been gone all day and I enjoy each moment a little bit more than I used to.

Balance is proving to be quite an illusive goal. For one day I'll feel like I've reached it and the next day it's as if the world flipped on it's axis and all is wrong again. But yet I move forward in search of it!

I hated algebra class. I was utterly lost nearly 85% of the time, therefore consulting with the smarter people around me 75% of the time and getting into trouble 70% of the time for talking. It sucked.

But her clever little verbology for entering numbers and working through the problem has stuck with me nearly 20 years. It basically means, enter a solution and work through it. If that solution doesn't work, input another. It's a fantastic recipe that takes failure, wraps it up in a devious disguise and pushes you on toward victory.

Discipline has been my algebraic equation for about, oh, the last five months. I don't know what to do with my kids! I'm a spanking Mama. Not afraid to admit that. But I'm also a time-out Mama, take-away-the-nice-stuff Mama, I'm even a try-to-talk-some-sense-into-an-irrational-4-year-old Mama. Some of these methods work some of the time. None of them work all of the time.

I find myself in the position of the "little engine that could." I keep plugging and chugging, repeating to myself, "I think I can (get this kid to behave), I think I can (calm this fit before it gets ugly), I think I can (get out of the store before my head explodes)."

So, thank you Miss Galbraith for leaving me with at least one bit of knowledge from algebra.

In the spirit of parenthood and in the pursuit of balance - I will continue plugging and chugging.

I can't help it. I have ALWAYS cut my waffles along the lines. And my pancakes - I don't just start hacking away, I use straight lines to cut those too. I eat M&Ms two at a time, one for each side of my mouth and if I end up with one at the end, I bite it in half. It may sound a little bit OCD, but I've come to realize that I am very detailed when it comes to things that I can control.

I think I've mentioned this book before: Be Joyful (Philippians): Even When Things Go Wrong, You Can Have Joy (The BE Series Commentary). It's a great book for helping people, like me, who are looking for balance, happiness, joy. One of the things I remember (mostly because I taught the lesson) is that people worry about things they have no control over. So I guess it stands to reason, that if you're looking for balance or control, a sensible person would be attentive to the things they can control rather than worry over the things they cannot control. 

Stop me if I'm rationalizing...

I've had a REALLY rough last few days. Between being upset with my husband, trying to control my three little boys and being frustrated that I wasn't able to work - I was absolutely out of control. I'm even slightly annoyed today at the prospect of having to wait for my Mom to get here so I can go close some deals...three deals to be exact.

This may sound cheesy, but I promise that it's worked for me and even better than that, it has worked for me every time I've done it: I say a prayer to God, asking for guidance, a lesson, some message that He would have me learn to come closer to Him. Then I open my Bible and read. I always find my answers in there.

I guess I know what I have to do today: take full accountability for the things I can control, let my kids have fun rather than try to keep my thumb on them, be patient and happy when I see my Mom and say a prayer.

*whew* balance or bust!

Okay, my analytical mind has either become absurdly more acute - OR - my mind is turning to sludge from watching too much Bones and I just think I'm getting smarter.

Who's to tell for sure? But here's one thing I do know. Today compared to yesterday was WAY better.

I mean, I didn't get a single sale (not yet), I must have visited 12 businesses and called two others, my sales contracts didn't get delivered and I missed my first appointment and didn't call to get another one. ("So exactly HOW could today possibly be better than yesterday," you ask.)


Because I had a great day with the kids! 

It's simply amazing how at one moment I'm pissed off because I can only spend a few short hours of the day making money and have to spend the rest of the day watching three annoying little kids, and the next moment I'm blissful and feeling all warm and fuzzy because we all had such a great afternoon playing outside with the neighbors.

It makes me question my priorities. I mean, it seems like a funny thing to wonder where family and career stand. Because in my point of view, I need a job to support my family, but I wouldn't need a job if I didn't have a family.

Now don't get me wrong, Tony has been an EXCELLENT provider these last two and a half years. But if we're really going to fulfill our dreams, I need to contribute too.
So here's how I think I made today better: although work was slightly disappointing, I got to do some window shopping and network with some great people. I remembered yesterday's blog post and tried to focus on my kids rather than multi-task. 

And that was HUGE.

So I guess I've found one new habit, one that will be difficult to form, but worth while. Instead of multi-tasking I am going to devote 100% of my attention to the things that I am doing, when I am doing them.

Work = 100% Work
Kids = 100% Kids
Tony = 100% Tony
Friends = 100% Friends
Housework = 100% Housework (did I just say that?)

That's it. And since I know it takes a full 28 days to implement and cement a habit, I'm going to make a conscious effort to focus intently on what I am doing, when I am doing it.

I think I'm getting closer to Balance! (or teetering so close to Bust I can't see the edge!)

I'm going to attempt to break down the pros & cons of each "character" or "player" that I experienced today. This is going to be tough...but we'll see how it goes.


Mommy                                                              

• Cute moment with Diego today...he said he loves me and is proud of me.
• Got furious with the boys when they interrupted me on the phone...kinda blew a gasket.
• Spent some quality time outside in the cool, Spring air. We played racecars!
• Snuggled with my twins...so soft and squishy!
• Missed the boys after being gone three hours.

Saleswoman

• Saved some wonderful women mucho money and gave them options to draw more customers.
• Had to compete with HORRIBLE schedule conflicts with hubby and babysitter. Very stressful.
• Got to do some pre-shopping for the big Saturday event at Peter's Path!
• Worked way harder and longer on one sale than I anticipated...let the babysitter down by being late.
• Truly enjoyed being in the field, helping small businesses save money.
• Liked interacting with other adults.

I don't exactly know where that leaves the score...I was also a wife today...not a very good one with my pouting and fussing about stuff. Ergh. It was a good day and a bad day for both characters. I thought breaking it down might help me to determine where the lack of balance is. I'll have to try harder, sleep on it and recap tomorrow night and see if there are any recurring themes. 


That should work, right?


Balance baby! (or Bust.)

I'd have to say that I'm generally NOT an easily addicted person...but I've found that shopping is an addiction. So is the television show Bones. And, to be grossly honest, during the Christmas season, I was quite addicted to Coquito. (If you have never tried it, be very, VERY careful...it is decadent, loaded with rum and goes down smooth!)

In my past (pre-Mommy) life, I was not addicted to anything. I greatly enjoyed a lot of things like surfing, running, weight-lifting...kicking the guys' asses that couldn't keep up with me on company runs!!! OORAH!

*ahem*

I enjoyed motorcycle riding, road trips...you know, lots of stuff that I will not do again until my three sons are teenagers or moved out! (At least there is hope!)

Which got me to thinking: why am I so addicted to shopping and Bones? Well, the obvious reason for any shopping addiction is the instant gratification one gets from snagging an on-trend pair of pumps or a stunning new blouse that SCREAMS LOVE ME, TAKE ME HOME! Bagging a beautiful, one-of-a-kind piece of jewelry is an absolutely orgasmic experience and getting a great deal on a wardrobe staple...like the AWESOME black trench I got ($350 price tag - snagged it for $30.) Heaven? Well, for me, that's as close as it comes!

As for my addiction to Bones, I guess it's because the main characters are sort of versions of me...I'm like Dr. Brennan (but shy a few IQ points) in that I am pretty fairly independent, value intelligent conversation and can sometimes be a bit cold. (True confession, don't judge.) I'm like Booth (without the penis and mucho HOT, rippling muscles) in that I'm a people person and totally enjoy connecting and having an emotional response to every moment I experience. 

The polarity between the characters is dramatic...yet you can see through watching the series that they compliment each other perfectly. Maybe this whole mommy vs me thing is just another dramatic polarity thing. Opposites attract or whatever...

Anyway, here's to finding Balance...or Bust!

Okay, received a little bit of static today from the hubby. It isn't really his fault, but his reaction could have been a little more positive.


Ad libitum is Latin for at one's pleasure. Wikipedia also states: "It is a common misconception that "ad lib" stands for "adding liberally". 


In my apparent mis-education, I thought that ad lib meant adding liberally. Glad I looked it up. I suppose both definitions, correct or not, pretty much describe my situation. Anyway, the reason I titled the post the way I did was because I took a big step this past week:


I got a j-o-b. 


Besides my work-from-home gig, which I currently only do between 9-12 at night anyway, I got a B2B sales job. I'm working with small- to medium-sized businesses which is right up my alley, I hate large corporate department stores (Walmart sucks!) Anyway, the hubby and I discussed and figured, one sale per week would cover the baby-sitter and add a bit of play money into our budget. So, if I sell more, we'll just be even more comfortable than we currently are.


Today was my first day on the job. Without getting into details, I didn't make a sale and had to rush to pick Diego up from school because Tony didn't have a car seat. Oops, minor detail. Well, he cancelled the babysitter so I had to cancel my two appointments this afternoon. And so this is my break-down of the situation at hand:


1. He's frustrated because I didn't make any money today. I'm frustrated because of his obvious lack of faith. 2. He was upset that he had to watch the twins. I was upset because he cancelled the babysitter so I lost several more chances at making a sale.
3. He obviously has reservations about me being anything other than Mommy. I obviously have ambitions beyond raising fine young boys.


Ergh.


Anyway, I don't know why I did this to myself. I knew he would be, well, disagreeable: But to be so pessimistic right out of the gate!?!?!?!?!? Well, that was just uncalled for. But to see it from his point of view, I'm probably being selfish and inconsiderate. 


So, on top of every other character I'm playing during this act in my life...I've added another character. Does this make me a more well-rounded actress or just add a TON of confusion? We'll see in the coming weeks.


Here's to Balance...or Bust!

This whole weekend has been one of those whirl-wind weekends where everything is super busy and nothing and no one seems to cooperate with my schedule.

After writing the previous post about NOT PMSing, the very next day I switched gears into Mucho PMS gear. Then to top it all off my twins both have acid diarrhea that has practically eaten away at the soft little epidermis on their cute little tooshies. My four-year-old is acting like a teenager and the only thing that seems to be going right is my sex life & the house-keeping.

Balance? Huh! Seems like when one thing is good the other things fall to shit. Then they flip-flop and reverse and play a confusing game of musical chairs: where there is only one chair and one winner...everyone else loses.

But, I am persisting, reading my book, searching - nay, scouring the internet for articles and books about parenting, being a good wife, 30-minute meals, time-management...

If you have ANY book suggestions, let me know! I'd love to hear what has helped you in the past!

Balance (a myth?) or Bust!